Born again. Long time to see. Long time no write. Two years? Something like that. A lot happened in the last two years. I was (finally) diagnosed with a bipolar disorder, type I, which "explains" why I was depressed ten months a year. Those years were pretty chaotic. I've been used to depression since primary school and especially middle school but unless before, I didn't manage to go through it by myself since time. I was sleeping very little as always, too little, studying a lot and I ended up not sleeping at all and feeding myself with coffee and energetic drinks. No food at all. I couldn't eat and wasn't hungry anymore, so messed up. I lost 7 kilos in a week and couldn't recognize myself in a mirror. It ended up with trying to survive in this closed room. I had no energy to continue going to school nor to the volleyball training session. It ended up in trying to kill myself, again. This time I was already gone so I just ate all my antidepressant, anxiolytics and sleeping pills. Roughly a hundred pills. Surprisingly I opened my eyes a few hours later and there was not doubt I was alive. Eventually, a friend found out I wasn't fine and since I had the great idea to say goodbye to a so-called friend in Norway, I had my friend and the firemen + police at home before having the time to take a shower. I had to stay in the hospital since I had very little potassium and then my choice was I sign up for a stay in a psychiatric hospital or to be taken by force. What a choice. This was a first stay there. Two others, including a very long one (more than 2 months) followed last year and this year. If I knew what humiliation and not understanding was, I learn't how to 'live' with it. The second stay was totally different though and now, it's been six month, almost seven without hospital. I've met a bunch of psychiatrist, psychologists, doctors, nurses. After being locked such a long time and a massive mind-numbing treatment, I know I will be handicapped all my life. My pills have strong side effects, like turning me like a zombie several hours a day, a massive weight gain which I'm still dealing with. I should avoid stress, every situation that could increase anxiety. That's just perfect with living a real life.
There's no need saying that all my classmates were asking questions when I managed going back to school after the first hospitalisation. I was taking so much medication, so slow that I just couldn't follow a conversation. How to be stigmatisez all your life. My family had to know about the situation. Just one or two years after my cousin was also diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. I destroyed my family. Now not only I'm ashamed in front of people but I'm also ashamed in front of my family. I can't imagine I was social a long time ago. Now, I have a few friends but they have their own life so I basically go to the university where I don't have friends, go to the gym where the only person I say hi to is the guy working there, and to the shop. I should be very happy to live in Paris again. Last time I was living there, I was going out often, cycling on Sundays, going to museums, galleries, even had a boyfriend. Now I see friends once a month, don't feel like going out at all. Thanks to my last euphoric phases, I will go to four concerts in the next couple of weeks and will run 14km in November. I feel bad. I am not happy. Pretending to is really easy but when you're alone in your room, it's a bit more challenging. I really thought going back on studies would be really motivating me. I would like to do a PhD after my master's degree but I always have those black colds over my head reminding me I'm always tired, can't have normal days thanks to my medication + I'm facing a problem with food. I can eat very little all the week, lose three kg in a few days and then I don't know why I am eating a lot to such a point I'm almost throwing up. I ran quite a lot when I was in Norway but now I don't feel like running anymore. Even going to the gym is being more demanding. I would like to disappear. That everybody could forget about my existence. Just a bad dream.