alone rejected sad ignored humiliated ridiculous bad lost tired exhausted stupid fat empty lazy mean idiot me hated depressed
If only i could take my legs and run, run far away, somewhere i could exist and not depressed. That's so ridiculous to write those stupid words when you have everything you need. When I was 13, I tried to kill myself twice. I did it because I was really depressed and suffering. Everything was falling apart but that was normal, I was a teenager. Now I am not a teenager anymore. I don't understand. I don't wanna kill myself anymore and I haven't tried to do it since my 13 stupid years old but I always feel bad. Actually, I almost always feel bad. Almost because when I'm in a new environment, somewhere I don't know anybody, somewhere I don't have to talk ... somewhere I can just be invisible and look at what's happening, somewhere I can stare at people, lye in the streets without any sense required .. In these moments, I feel happy. Talking and drinking with people I won't see anymore, with people I won't get attach to. That's a good feeling. You don't plan anything and stuff are just arriving. When you don't have time to think about it, you just do it. I like that. But most of my time I am making plans, studying while I'm fed up with it. Actually I'm not fed up studying, I'm fed up studying in a hurry and too much stuff. My brain doesn't follow and I'm anxious. Anxious to see how my physical condition is getting worse and worse every year. At 24, I look like 40. So serious, tired face. I have large shadows under my eyes and more wrinkles than my grandma who is more than 90. My vision is getting worse and nobody wants to help me or I don't wanna be helped. The only future I see for myself is being so ashamed for my parents to have a useless daughter, not married, spending their money and not looking for a well paid job. That's also making me nervous. It's common when you attended the Uni to have a great job. Be well paid, if possible more than your parents .. but I'm not looking for that. I'm curious about the world. I'm not gonna get married and have a "perfect life". I'm too weak for that. Running away from people is easier. Try different lives in different places sounds more interesting. Live with a backpack sounds more exciting. I love my family and I don't wanna disappoint them but a life in a pretty house with children, husband and a beautiful car is not what I'm looking for. I can already see the look everybody is gonna take. How disappointing it will be. I see no great future for me. It's like a dual choice. On the one hand, I could find some courage and leave. On the other end, I'll be blind and end up alcoholic or drug addict in a big city like Berlin where I would forget about my anxiety with dark, hard and deep music and have a random job to pay my rend and not sleep in the streets. So dramatic, so ridiculous to have such thoughts when you are a coward living in your parents pants and when you don't have to pay your rent nor your food. I'm lost and nobody wants to hear it. People don't care and look at my as if I was a total freak. Or better, now they don't look at me anymore or they make fun of me when I'm out because of the pills. It's so fun to look at the fatty and retarded girl is so out that she cannot even hear you when you say stupid things about her. Dammed.